Narcissism and Misogyny: Stop Arguing with Misogynists. When You Argue, They Win.

“the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house” - bell hooks.

There are many in this world who strenuously seek to deprive their fellow citizens of basic civil rights. They are a very loud presence on internet forums, talk radio, and any political arena. They vehemently argue for continued inequality, often by denying that inequality exists, other times by saying that the oppression of certain groups is warranted. I have often wondered about the character of such people. What drives them to expend so much energy on such a hateful cause? After a lot of thought, I’ve come up with this: a misogynist (or racist or homophobe) seems to me to bear a striking resemblance to a narcissist. Perhaps this realization will enable us to properly deal with these people.

A narcissist, to put it in broad terms, is an individual who is biologically/culturally compelled to seek and maintain power. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an extreme case of narcissism, and is recognized by the AMA as a mental disorder.* Some call these people “alphas.” They feel entitled to power simply by virtue of who they are. They feel they have a natural, ordained right to defend this power by any means at their disposal. They have many tactics. One of the most effective is a classic narcissistic ploy known as gas-lighting. Crazy-making. Lying. Skewing known facts to confuse the victim, distracting them from the real issues. If distracting or confusing by gas-lighting doesn’t work, they will employ other tactics, such as intimidation. They can justify any behavior, no matter how false or oppressive, as necessary measures in their righteous quest. Just take a look at Elliot Rodger’s manifesto. Take a look at George Zimmerman’s defense.

As a person who has allowed herself to be victimized by narcissistic individuals for almost 50 years, I can tell you this with certainty: They don’t care. You cannot convince them to love you. You cannot convince them that you are their equal. They will not change (Stinson et al**). You cannot convince them of anything. Ever. Because you cannot have a fruitful discussion with someone who doesn’t care whether their assertions are true or not. It is not the content of the argument that concerns them. It is the argument itself. They use it to slow you down. They use it to steal your time. Time that could be spent moving forward. The only possible outcome of such an argument is that you will be drained, exhausted, sad, disappointed, and maybe physically injured. So not only did you lose the time spent with this narcissist, you lose time recuperating and building back your strength after you get away. That is, if you are able to get away.

So it is with people who are most vocally opposed to social equality today. They gaslight us by denying basic, provable facts like these: that women make less than men; that women are frequently the victims of violence by domestic partners; that women are treated as property; that women are verbally molested daily on the streets; that women should have control over their own bodies; that inequality exists at all. We argue with them. We quote studies, anecdotal evidence, and statistics. And yet, they continue to say they don’t believe us. The truth is, they do not care about the veracity of their argument. Like the narcissist, their goal is not to arrive at the truth. Their goal is to keep you in your place. Their tool is the argument itself.

These arguments are designed and wielded with the specific intent of confusing us, implanting self-doubt, distracting us from moving forward. The goal is to force us to inhabit their social structure, in which they control the dissemination of freedom, ensuring that they get all, or at least the lion’s share of the power. They perceive any sharing as a loss of or threat to their own power. The loss of any power, no matter how small, is unacceptable to them. If gas-lighting doesn’t work, they will intimidate and bully. They will use their influence to strip our rights. They will discredit us by calling us whores, harpies, crazies, ugly, fat, skinny, vain, emotional wrecks, ignorant, silly, etc. ad infinitum.

EDITED TO ADD: It has come to my attention in the past few days that they will also say you're unreasonable and closed minded for not arguing with them... That's a good one.

I’ve finally figured out, after 30 years of therapy, that they will never change. Not my narcissistic ex, and not the misogynistic torch-carriers of our male-dominated society. We must accept this truth. They will never let us go forward. They will fight and obstruct with all their strength. Their ultimate goal is to slow, and then stop us from sharing in (their) power and freedom.

We must not let them. We must not waste our time and energy fighting this pointless battle we can never win. Just as it is fruitless to plead for basic respect from a narcissistic partner, it is fruitless to convince, beg, or plead with a misogynist for our basic freedom and equality. By pleading, we are complicit in our own oppression. By arguing with them, we allow them to slow us down. We admit the possible truth of their position. We recognize and inhabit a world of their construction. Their ideology.

Fuck them.

We do not need their approval. We do not need to convince them that we are equals. We don’t need their support. We don’t need to fit in to their worldview. We need to sidestep them. Ignore them. Let them yammer their ridiculousness until they wither and die.

Let’s perceive and live in our own world. A world that is completely valid because we say it is. We run for office. We cook. We open and run successful businesses. We love. We legislate. We research and write. We are the work force. We garden. We heal. We tend fires. We raise beautiful children. We learn and teach. We create and build. We serve. We sew large quilts. We take care. We do all these things as equals. We value ourselves and our contributions. We don’t try to fit ourselves into a misogynist’s world. This is our world as much as it is theirs. Who says we have to adhere to their construction of society? Who says gathering is less important than hunting?

We have the power to stride forward in the world. We must just do it. When a misogynist tries to obstruct our forward motion, we do not let them slow us down. We move around or through them. Don’t slow your progress by engaging them in an argument/discussion/debate. They will hurl things at you in an attempt to diminish your character, diminish your confidence, confuse your deliberate mind. Everything that comes out of their mouths is designed to cause enough damage to keep you from “stealing” their power. The words of a sexist, racist, or homophobe are meaningless. The truth, to them, is meaningless. They don’t care about truth. They are merely trying to distract you from moving forward. If you respond to them, or even acknowledge them, they win their little victory by stealing precious time and energy from you.

We need to stop.

This is not an easy prospect. Studies have shown that many, if not a majority, of those holding any real power in this world are narcissistic (e.g., Brunell et al 2008***). These people feel completely justified in oppressing any individual or group who wants to share that power: women, aboriginal people, immigrants, brown people, gays, poors. (Wow. That list is growing longer and longer lately.) These people are in a position to cause great damage to our society. In their pursuit of power, they institutionalize oppression, making it harder and harder for us to stride forward. But we must not let them stop us or slow us down.

Let us pay them no more mind at all. Let us not engage. Let us not inhabit their imagined power structure. We do not have that kind of time or energy to waste. Some of us are old. Let’s just move forward without them. Into our own world. Because it is our world.

Notes

*According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is defined as:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) 

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) 

(4) requires excessive admiration 

(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations 

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her 

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Reprinted from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Copyright 2000 American Psychiatric Association

** Stinson FS1, Dawson DA, Goldstein RB, Chou SP, Huang B, Smith SM, Ruan WJ, Pulay AJ, Saha TD, Pickering RP, Grant BF. 2008. Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: results from the wave 2 national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions.  Journal of Clinical Psychiatry; 69(7):1033-45.

Abstract

OBJECTIVES:

To present nationally representative findings on prevalence, sociodemographic correlates, disability, and comorbidity of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) among men and women.

METHOD:

Face-to-face interviews with 34,653 adults participating in the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions conducted between 2004 and 2005 in the United States.

RESULTS:

Prevalence of lifetime NPD was 6.2%, with rates greater for men (7.7%) than for women (4.8%). NPD was significantly more prevalent among black men and women and Hispanic women, younger adults, and separated/divorced/widowed and never married adults. NPD was associated with mental disability among men but not women. High co-occurrence rates of substance use, mood, and anxiety disorders and other personality disorders were observed. With additional comorbidity controlled for, associations with bipolar I disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and schizotypal and borderline personality disorders remained significant, but weakened, among men and women. Similar associations were observed between NPD and specific phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, and bipolar II disorder among women and between NPD and alcohol abuse, alcohol dependence, drug dependence, and histrionic and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders among men. Dysthymic disorder was significantly and negatively associated with NPD.

CONCLUSIONS:

NPD is a prevalent personality disorder in the general U.S. population and is associated with considerable disability among men, whose rates exceed those of women. NPD may not be as stable as previously recognized or described in the DSM-IV. The results highlight the need for further research from numerous perspectives to identify the unique and common genetic and environmental factors underlying the disorder-specific associations with NPD observed in this study.

***Brunell, Amy B., William A. Gentry, W. Keith Campbell, Brian J. Hoffman, Karl W. Kuhnert, and Kenneth G. DeMarree. 2008. Leader Emergence: The Case of the Narcissistic Leader. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin: 34 no. 12 1663-1676. Available online at http://psp.sagepub.com/content/34/12/1663.abstract

Abstract:

These studies investigate whether individuals with high narcissism scores would be more likely to emerge as leaders during leaderless group discussions. The authors hypothesized that narcissists would emerge as group leaders. In three studies, participants completed personality questionnaires and engaged in four-person leaderless group discussions. Results from all three studies reveal a link between narcissism and leader emergence. Studies 1 and 2 further reveal that the power dimension of narcissism predicted reported leader emergence while controlling for sex, self-esteem, and the Big Five personality traits. Study 3 demonstrates an association between narcissism and expert ratings of leader emergence in a group of executives. The implications of the propensity of narcissists to emerge as leaders are discussed.