Gaslighting is emotional abuse that aims to make victims doubt their own sanity, perceptions, and memories. This is done by denying provable facts, disparaging the victim's character, claiming that a recollection is false, etc. This creates confusion and doubt in the victim. Over time, this erodes the self-esteem of the victim, effectively disarming them. This term is often used in relation to a narcissistic abuser. I am applying it to our society as a whole.
We are constantly being gaslighted in all aspects of our lives. It's particularly apparent in online forums, when sexists insist that there is no sexism, that we are all oversensitive, that there is no wage disparity, that Hobby Lobby still covers most contraceptives, that we all want free birth control, etc. etc. etc. And we feel we have to argue with or educate these people. When they fail to convince us with their "facts," they resort to disparaging our character by calling us sluts, selfish, bitchy, hysterical, or whatever. What is the effect of all of this on our collective psyche? I'd say it's similar or identical to the effect on an individual who has suffered long-term emotional abuse: self-doubt being perhaps the most insidious result.
I think that a big part of being a woman is the constant questioning of myself. The doubt. The possibility that I am not thinking clearly, that I am hysterical. I am almost never completely certain that I am right about anything... even things I KNOW are right. The thought, "Wow. That's kind of a fucked up way to treat me. That's kind of sexist" is always accompanied by, "O Beth, you're just over-reacting. Calm down." I analyze every facet of the experience, to the point of obsession, trying to figure out if I'm seeing reality. Because I've been conditioned to believe that I am not.I wonder if people who experience racism on a daily basis have the same experience. I would venture to guess that they do.
I recently walked out on and then quit a band. This was a hobby, but one that I was very attached to. I've been a professional musician all my grown life in New York and New Orleans. When the rock star thing didn't quite pan out I got two master's degrees and became an archaeological writer and a blues singer on the side.
Here's the situation: Band Members A and B like to maintain as much control as possible. This was tolerable for a couple of years because I was too busy with my work and my son to really care that much. What bugged me was the tone with which some of the instructions were delivered (with scorn, as if I should already have known the answers) and the tone with which my suggestions for musical changes were either dismissed or tried (with reluctance/doubt). Now, I have been a professional musician for three decades AND I'm 50 goddam years old, and don't appreciate being diminished like that. Before standing up for myself, though, I would always go through this checklist:
1. The incident was minor;2. There seemed to be no malicious intent:
3. That's just "the way he is;"
4. Maybe it's not sexist, maybe it's just some other kind of control issue;
5. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive;
6. They play the blues differently here;
7. He's the leader;
8. I don't have the energy/desire to argue about it;
9. I will offend/hurt him if I say something;
10. I will make the other guys uncomfortable if I say something;
11. Who really cares, anyway?
And of course I ended up saying nothing because I was never completely sure how upset/offended I was "supposed" to be...
This type of incident happened at least once during every meeting. These checklist questions/thoughts arose EVERY SINGLE TIME it happened. That's a lot of mental energy. It's exhausting. It's distracting. Rather than focusing on the music, I was focusing on this stuff.
As time went on, I grew to resent it more and more. Not only did I feel disrespected as a musician, but I felt that this person's rigidity was infringing on my creativity. The songs were arranged TIGHTLY, with no room for growth. As a musician who learned the blues in New Orleans, this was very foreign to me. I fully understand the need for structure, but I'm used to a looser arrangement, and strongly feel that a loose arrangement is the only way to allow the music to blossom into something beautiful. At first, I didn't think that this aspect of my problem with the band was related to sexism, but I'm changing my mind. The control/power aspect is certainly an overarching factor, and gender is absolutely related to any power dynamic. I was certainly made to feel kind of silly/irresponsible for not wanting a rigid structure. I was made to feel that a rigid structure was the "right" thing to do. |
| Yes, that is a stone (flint) phallus right there that I'm about to gouge out of the earth with my pointy trowel. |
I needed to remove myself and assess the situation. Because, naturally, I still had doubts about my perception of these events.
Band Member A called me. I told him that I would contact B, who delivered most of the critiques, individually. After thinking about it for awhile, I changed my mind. I decided to contact the band as a whole, via email, because I felt that it was more of a band-wide issue. So I did. Calmly. Without naming any names.
Well! The shit hit the godamn fan, y'all. I got an email from A saying, "Now I have an issue with YOU." He informed me, via a number of facebook messages, that I "put him in the middle" because he then had to explain things to B. I replied that he is not in the middle and that he didn't have to explain anything to anybody. He became irate and continued to "yell" at me in all caps for not caring about how my email affected him.
I realized I was being gaslighted.
A week earlier, my response would have been to apologize and explain that I didn't mean to hurt HIM directly, and maybe I should have done it this way, etc. etc. etc.
Not this time.
I told him that I don't need his permission to change my mind about how I was going to deal with the situation, that I don't need his approval, and that I was not going to allow him to distract from the real issue by disparaging me as a human being (the kind that does not care about putting innocent victims "in the middle"). He finally accused me of wanting everything to be "all about me."
Indeed.
His response was classic narcissistic abuse/gaslighting. Rather than focusing on the real issue, the narcissist attacks the character of the victim. In this case, rather than focusing on the discomfort I felt in the band environment, this person chose to point out how selfish I am. Of course this creates doubt in my mind. Am I being selfish? Stupid? Crazy? Belligerent?I quit the band at that point, with very little explanation to my bandmates and now I'm feeling pretty bad about it. I still have doubts as to the reality of my perception. I don't want to be thought of as a bad or unreasonable person by the remaining members of the band.
Why can't I just be sure? Why can't these doubts just go away? Because I (and, I believe, most women) have been conditioned to respond this way - to doubt their own perceptions because they've been told over and over and over again that they can't be trusted. This happens in a million little ways, subtle and not so subtle, every single day.
This whole thing went down the day SCOTUS delivered their preposterous Hobby Lobby ruling. The timing of my strong and unusual (for me) response to personal sexism was not a coincidence. I am mad! I will not subject myself to sexism at ALL anymore. I am not playing anymore. I will not comply any more. Let them make all the goddamn rules they want to. I'm not playing. I'm not explaining myself. I'm not looking for permission or approval. I am creating my own reality. It's my world.
Lately, it seems, more and more women are feeling the same.
No. More. B.S.
 |
| Yes. |
No comments:
Post a Comment